letter: bad at shopping, good in bed

Dear Enabler,

Is sex ever an appropriate gift? Birthday, graduation, etc.?

I mean, some people are just SO hard to shop for, but if you already have something that you know they'll enjoy, shouldn't you give it?

Sincerely,

Bad at Shopping, Good in Bed

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Dear Good in Bed,

The short answer: Yes.

Not only is sex an appropriate gift, it's a very traditional one. Who hasn't forgotten a birthday and tried to make up for it in the bedroom? (Or on the kitchen counter, for that matter...) In relationships that have turned routine (see also: "raising children"), isn't the act of sex itself sometimes a gift reserved only for special occasions?

The longer answer is a lot more tricky: Should sex be given as a gift?

This, dear reader, depends on two factors: relationship and motivation.

1. Relationship

Before you even consider coital giftus, two criteria must be met. First, you have to be the person actually putting out. [The only exception involves the addition of a third party* to your bedroom routine, but even then I sincerely hope you're in on the action.]

Second, the receiver of said gift must be someone with whom you would normally be having sex anyway: partner, spouse, bf/gf, regular f*ckbuddy, that guy on campus you always hook up with after beer pong... If you wouldn't otherwise have sex with this person (i.e. coworkers, your favorite barista, or - and I can't believe I even have to mention this - family of any kind, no matter how distant) then, um, WTF!?!? Get them a gift card to iTunes. Seriously.

2. Context

Let's stop and take a good, long look in the mirror.

Are you considering sex because you can't find the proper way to commemorate the occasion, or because you're just lazy?

It should take just as much ingenuity - and certainly more energy - to arrange and execute a truly memorable sexual escapade than to find the right tie at Barneys.

If you're putting out on a regular basis (and I hope you are), then another 7 minutes of Missionary Bliss really isn't gonna cut it. If you're one of those people who is randomly opposed to a specific sex act (oral, anal, or some position that leaves particularly you sore for days) but your partner loves it, then maybe it's okay to consider indulging their desires on special occasions. [Remember, though, that new DKNY shirt wouldn't mean you have to swallow! Why opt for a gift you won't enjoy?]

I guess it comes down to this: If you think sex is the best gift available to give, then remember grandma's advice. "Always do your best!"

If you're partner has a long-time fantasy and you think you could blow his or her mind by making that fantasy come true, then a hot night of mind-altering passion is a great way to go. Even better, if your partner isn't expecting some Moulin Rouge tantric production and you have a secret desire to get all Baz Luhrmann in the bedroom... Go for it!

Just beware of justifying sex as a get-out-of-giving card.

After all, if you find shopping too intellectually taxing, then I have some sad, sad news. You run a serious risk of being equally boring in bed. Maybe Gift Sex isn't the way to go.

It all comes down to knowing your strengths. If you're a shopping superstar, great. If you're a hot-as-hell nympho, more power to you. But remember: there's always iTunes.

Make healthy choices!

- The Enabler

* The Enabler does not condone the hiring of strippers, escorts, sex workers, or Republican interns for sexual purposes.

P.S. - Deeper Thoughts: Sex as a Graduation Gift. If your fiancée just completed her PhD in Renaissance Lit and she has a Marlowe fetish you've always resisted, then sure, strap on your best codpiece and go to town. If, however, your nephew is graduating from middle school and you want to make sure he's not a One Minute Wonder on prom night... I hate to break it to you, but setting him up with a call girl is not only illegal but also downright creepy. (Hilarious on Weeds, but life - sadly - isn't a series on Showtime.)